I’m here.

I think about you every day.

That night I got you beer.

I miss you.

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i don’t want to be in love with him anymore.

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And when I cried from loneliness, even my dogs ran away.

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Things have been in an upheaval with finances and my recovery and D and I almost separating. I’ve barely been on here. I’d checked a few times before you’d messaged me and nothing was there, so I was just giving it time.

I will remove the posts… the problem is, I wrote a lot of stuff that’s important to me and normally I would just put it on private so they don’t show up, but since it’s already a private blog I can’t do that. So I have to copy and paste all the posts to another format before I can delete them and that will be a little time consuming. I will though.

The celexa has basically made me not care about a lot of Damian’s shit. We don’t talk anymore because it’s pointless. He thinks we’re getting along better as a result. Lucky him.

I think we’re going to get evicted next month because we can’t pay the rent raise. Christmas isn’t so happy this year. Oh well. Finding a job has been hard. It’s annoying how 3/4 of the places I apply don’t even respond. It’s hard to badger them and to care when everything else is shit. I don’t mean to make everything ‘woe is me’. It just is what it is. I’ve pretty much given up on all the things I wanted and believed in… things just seem easier that way.

I miss you. I’m sure I would feel less… alone and wasted if I could talk to you. After what’s happened to me though, I don’t blame Kiana at all. Not one bit. I really just want you and her to have all the things I don’t believe in anymore. So it’ll be real for someone else at least.

I wonder how Drew is doing and what he looks like. Anyway, I hope you’re okay… I worry about the you that is deep inside. I think about him a lot.

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_________________________

I assume I’ve made you angry… or you’re just done. Either way, I understand.

Things are just falling apart. Every time I begin to pick myself up and dust myself off, something else happens.

I had emergency surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I was hospitalized for two days and sent home with a drain. Where Damian and I continued to fight and even have a physical altercation.

I’ve started to take Celexa. It’s helping me not give a fuck about my life being fucked up as much.

Our car broke down completely and he needed to get to events to make money so we had to borrow money to rent a car and we used the money he made to buy a car from a friend who said it worked great and then had to be towed from their lot to a mechanic who kept putting us off and at the end of 10 days told us he had no idea what was wrong with it and to take it somewhere else. So we had to get it towed somewhere else and wait another week. Now it runs but it needs a new carburetor. I’m hoping it survives the winter. At this rate, not likely.

I got a $24,000 bill for my hospital stay. Plus $1000 for an ultrasound and $3000 for the anesthesiologist.

He refuses to giver her up, even though he only knew her for 3 days after he messed around with her. He says they’re “friends” and he “doesn’t want to be a jerk to her”. Nevermind me.

Today we got a notice that our rent is being raised by $125. That is a lot of fucking money to come up with per month. And our shit landlord wants the new rent amount on the 1st of December because she wrote November 1st on the paperwork, even though it’s postmarked November 13th. So she basically lied. We’re pretty sure she’s trying to force us to move out. But we can’t afford that either so we may have to go through an eviction just to have time ti figure out what to do and where to live.

I just really want to go to sleep and not wake up.

I hope things are good for you.

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___________________________

i assumed you wanted me to delete all the posts from when we were communicating. i only left the ones up that i put up before i knew you were reading them. i will delete everything off here if that is what you want.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

i will give you my reasons but they’re not in any particular order. i’m not sure one trumphs any other.

i have always been honest and transparent with Damian about everything. Even after everything that has happened, i can’t bring myself to be a deceitful person. i just don’t work that way.

Also, in light of recent events, being honest and transparent allows me to maintain the moral high ground. Call that selfish or manipulative or whatever, but i don’t really feel like becoming like him just because i can.

Because i don’t want to be a liar or a hypocrite. i just don’t want to be that kind of person. What Damian has done has devastated me and while i don’t think he feels about me the way I do about him and therefore i don’t have the ability to do the same thing to him, i don’t think it would justify my cheating on him. i detest hypocrisy and i’ve worked on myself very hard since my youth to be as authentic as possible and i don’t want to destroy all that work for the sake of what i might think is some form of entitlement or revenge for being treated badly.

Because of recent events in my life, i wanted you to be able to go home to Kiana and if/when she asks you if you saw me, you could look her straight in the eye and tell the truth. No. You didn’t.

That’s purely for my own satisfaction because I know how awful it feels to know you’re being lied to; when you know someone so well that you can tell they’re not telling the whole truth but you’ll never know what happened and it’ll just eat away at you because you have no proof while you have to keep living life as if everything is fine.

Because for once, i want a woman to treat me and my marriage with the respect and honor it deserves and stop pretending i don’t exist while they do inappropriate things with my husband. And while that will never happen, at least i can know that there is one fucking person left in the world who has the capacity to comprehend and act on that respect and honor, even if it’s me.

Because considering how utterly betrayed i feel and how damaged i am right now, i would have likely been a huge mess- the sexual interaction would have been amazing, but i probably would have ended up a wailing, blubbering mess when it was over and not only would you not want to have to deal with that, but you may not have been able to or willing to.

Because considering all of that and how attached i am to you, i probably would have pathetically begged you to take me with you and been even more brokenhearted when you couldn’t.

Because since you’d mentioned that seeing me may not be a possibility for you, i wasn’t physically prepared like you’d asked me to be.

Because i thought, based on the state of my marriage, that there would be a far higher likelihood of my regretting doing it than not doing it.

Because my therapist said i need to do what is right for myself and my body and i was (and am) in such a state of confusion that i had no idea whether being with you was right for me and my body so it seemed better to err on the side of caution.

Because of what i said: because i love you. And maybe i’m not supposed to, but i do. And i know you love Kiana and that while you have needs that aren’t being met, you don’t want to hurt her. And because i love you, i want that for you.

i’m not sure, but i think that’s all the reasons. If i think of anything else, i’ll write it down.

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_______________________

I really did struggle in that moment.

I had a rental car. I was home alone.

You’ll never know how close I came.

I have so many reasons why I didn’t. Not only what I told you. And some you might disapprove of. I hope I don’t spend my life regretting it.

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