Weird that i said that. That night my phone froze and when i reset it, it deleted every single text message on my phone. Including a few i had locked. Including the few i had from you that were locked. So now i have nothing.

i was in the kitchen making pancakes and he comes in with my phone in his hand and says “You missed a phone call.” When i look at the number, i think i recognize it; i think maybe it’s your number (i deleted your number from my phone- why have it in there when i can’t use it but every time i look through my contacts i have to see your name and remember that i can’t talk to you or see you ever again?) but there’s no way it could be.

So i listen to the voicemail. It’s a split second of dead air, the kind i would hear when you called me from your car. i feel a pit in my stomach… what that actually you?

i ask him for his phone. Because he still has your number in his phone. And the number in his phone and then number that called me match.

It was you.

But was it a mistake? Was it an accident? i can’t call you back for fear it was a pocket dial. Did you think of me and call but when i didn’t answer, hang up?

Should i keep your number in my phone in case you call?

Now a whole can of worms has been opened inside my head.

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