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i know i said this before, but seriously, you’d think i would have this down by now.

Now i’m starting to get to that phase where i feel like you were a figment of my imagination. Not that you aren’t physically real, but that i just imagined our connection in my head. i’ve never felt so compatible with anyone.

i remember flat out telling him that. That you and i were just perfectly compatible.

i don’t know… maybe not in an intellectual way or a political way… but in a power dynamic way, you were my perfect match. The perfect combination of caring and cruelty.

And oh how delicious is your cruelty. It makes my mouth water remembering.

You know i have abandonment issues.

i know you’re not abandoning me… not of your own will anyway. Never forget that i fully understand. i know i’m being selfish here, but this is my own private space and i have no where else to turn to. i have no one. And he can’t ever know how much this is hurting me.

So here i am in a familiar place, and it’s so easy to start thinking that it’s all just me… i’m just imagining what existed between us.

But i will try to remind myself that it’s not true.

It’s not true.

Right?