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i’ve been having waves of desire to die. Sometimes they come over me suddenly and i feel like i’m drowning; like i’m choking on on it.

So in order to try to cope with them, i try to think of things that will make me feel better. And i end up having fantasies about being in a hospital.

i don’t have the distaste for them a lot of people have. i don’t love them, but i don’t hate them. So i keep longing to be in a hospital bed. Alone. In silence.

i keep thinking, maybe if i just drive to a hospital and sit in the waiting room, it will make me feel better. Then maybe the waves will stop.

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