i’ve been having waves of desire to die. Sometimes they come over me suddenly and i feel like i’m drowning; like i’m choking on on it.
So in order to try to cope with them, i try to think of things that will make me feel better. And i end up having fantasies about being in a hospital.
i don’t have the distaste for them a lot of people have. i don’t love them, but i don’t hate them. So i keep longing to be in a hospital bed. Alone. In silence.
i keep thinking, maybe if i just drive to a hospital and sit in the waiting room, it will make me feel better. Then maybe the waves will stop.