_________________________

i’m just gonna tell you because i have no one else to tell. i’m gonna tell you because deep down, i think if we could talk, you would want me to tell you.

The handle on our car broke off. The driver’s side door can’t be opened from the inside or out. So every time one of us drives, we have to climb in and out through the passenger side. Not only is it not easy, it’s very embarrassing. Especially in front of our own house.

The radiator has a major leak. We have to keep 3 gallons of water in the car at all times and lift the hood and fill up the radiator with water before we drive anywhere. In front of our own house. In front of customers houses. At client events. Inconvenient. Deeply embarrassing.

Second gear and reverse don’t work anymore. Reverse is the worst. Most of the time we can park so we can get out. Sometimes i have to get out and push the car with my ass on the bumper, with my legs. Inconvenient. Very embarrassing.

The last time our 10 year old computer crashed, i swore i would make sure we had a current back up at all times. i didn’t feel the hard drive was stable enough to be trusted. So a friend gave me an 30GB drive. i set it all up as a backup drive. Suddenly, yesterday, the drive us unreadable and possibly corrupted. All the most current photos of his artwork are gone. All my ledgers are gone. The photoshop files of the flyers i was working on are gone. i have a backup from a month ago on dropbox, so that’s good. But i still lost a lot of important stuff and i have to start all that photoshop work over. And while i know he’s not angry with me and doesn’t blame me, i’m still getting flack for not having things done because i can’t access anything on that drive now.

We make enough to pay our rent and bills. But we had to pay $120 for a rental tux for  a wedding. We can’t get the car fixed. We can’t get a new computer. And while these things are unfortunate, inconvenient and embarrassing, they’re not devastating. It’s not like we don’t have a car at all. It’s not like i don’t have a working computer at all. And i am so grateful for that.

It’s just that, being poor makes everything ten times harder. We’re supposed to ‘work hard’ and keep trying and we can achieve our dreams. Ha! Our dreams consist of being able get into our car through the driver side door. How fucking hard is that? It’s so exhausting, constantly having to struggle against ten different obstacles to the simple, ordinary everyday task you’re trying to accomplish just to finally get to accomplish that task, especially when everyone around you just gets the task done like snapping their fingers.

i just… i’m so tired. i just want to die.

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