i assumed you wanted me to delete all the posts from when we were communicating. i only left the ones up that i put up before i knew you were reading them. i will delete everything off here if that is what you want.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
i will give you my reasons but they’re not in any particular order. i’m not sure one trumphs any other.
i have always been honest and transparent with Damian about everything. Even after everything that has happened, i can’t bring myself to be a deceitful person. i just don’t work that way.
Also, in light of recent events, being honest and transparent allows me to maintain the moral high ground. Call that selfish or manipulative or whatever, but i don’t really feel like becoming like him just because i can.
Because i don’t want to be a liar or a hypocrite. i just don’t want to be that kind of person. What Damian has done has devastated me and while i don’t think he feels about me the way I do about him and therefore i don’t have the ability to do the same thing to him, i don’t think it would justify my cheating on him. i detest hypocrisy and i’ve worked on myself very hard since my youth to be as authentic as possible and i don’t want to destroy all that work for the sake of what i might think is some form of entitlement or revenge for being treated badly.
Because of recent events in my life, i wanted you to be able to go home to Kiana and if/when she asks you if you saw me, you could look her straight in the eye and tell the truth. No. You didn’t.
That’s purely for my own satisfaction because I know how awful it feels to know you’re being lied to; when you know someone so well that you can tell they’re not telling the whole truth but you’ll never know what happened and it’ll just eat away at you because you have no proof while you have to keep living life as if everything is fine.
Because for once, i want a woman to treat me and my marriage with the respect and honor it deserves and stop pretending i don’t exist while they do inappropriate things with my husband. And while that will never happen, at least i can know that there is one fucking person left in the world who has the capacity to comprehend and act on that respect and honor, even if it’s me.
Because considering how utterly betrayed i feel and how damaged i am right now, i would have likely been a huge mess- the sexual interaction would have been amazing, but i probably would have ended up a wailing, blubbering mess when it was over and not only would you not want to have to deal with that, but you may not have been able to or willing to.
Because considering all of that and how attached i am to you, i probably would have pathetically begged you to take me with you and been even more brokenhearted when you couldn’t.
Because since you’d mentioned that seeing me may not be a possibility for you, i wasn’t physically prepared like you’d asked me to be.
Because i thought, based on the state of my marriage, that there would be a far higher likelihood of my regretting doing it than not doing it.
Because my therapist said i need to do what is right for myself and my body and i was (and am) in such a state of confusion that i had no idea whether being with you was right for me and my body so it seemed better to err on the side of caution.
Because of what i said: because i love you. And maybe i’m not supposed to, but i do. And i know you love Kiana and that while you have needs that aren’t being met, you don’t want to hurt her. And because i love you, i want that for you.
i’m not sure, but i think that’s all the reasons. If i think of anything else, i’ll write it down.